Birth Matters

It’s a very special day today, it is my son’s 5th birthday. It might not be a big deal to others, but as moms, we know what a big deal it is for us and for them. Because it’s more than just a child’s birthday, it’s the day a woman gives birth and experiences a sacred and life-altering event.

 On this day 5 years ago, I stepped over the threshold of womanhood to motherhood at exactly 10:47 p.m. No one warned me about what an intricate experience it would be, though maybe no one can really explain this sort of thing. Pregnancy begins like a labyrinth and you don’t really understand the depths of the middle… How do you tell someone that their world is about to get flipped upside down and turned inside out, in a way that touches their soul? You can’t. It’s only to be realized when a woman no longer walks across the street the same. She no longer thinks about what she wants to do and then acts on it. She thinks about what she wants to do & then all of the possible consequences that could follow that one decision. She feels this primal instinct that roars inside of her when there’s even the slightest perceived threat towards her child. It’s a constant internal struggle between feeling fiercely in love with this tiny human you created and some days wanting to walk away from it all. It’s feeling so deeply connected and in tune with your little creation, that you wake up in the night for no obvious reason, only to hear their cries just a moment later. Being a Mother literally changes your brain forever. The floods of oxytocin put you into a trance of love for your baby & for the first time you understand the saying ‘So cute I want to eat them’.

It isn’t all just love though. It’s all the feels. It’s like they hand you your newborn with a side of guilt, confusion, sadness, anger, numbness, elation, relief, and heartache all bundled into one. Essentially they hand you two “bundles of joy”. Except the latter is a myriad of emotions that many of us struggle to cope with on a daily basis. Many of us were brought up in an era of conditioning to stuff our feelings down and “toughen up”. We are all similar in this way, many of us didn’t have a childhood that was based on developmentally appropriate responses & reactions. The kind that fostered our uniqueness, modeled patience, empathy, or healthy coping skills. Sure, our parents likely did the best they could with what they had and many were not malicious in their intent, though some were/are. The lack of a “village” of support and knowledge, created generations of women and men that suffer from addiction, mental health disorders, abuse, and little understanding of the sheer importance of raising children.

What does this have to do with my son’s 5th birthday, you are probably wondering? For me, it isn’t just about celebrating another year that I’ve successfully managed to keep my little human alive & thriving. Or even about celebrating his coming to Earth -which is amazing.

It’s about MY experience. I will be raw & honest with all of you that come to read this post.

At first, I didn’t want to make this about me, it felt so selfish. Yet, so many women are covering up their truths because of this conditioning belief that “At least you & your baby are healthy.” -But not one person asked me how I felt [mentally] about our experience. You see, I was one of those kids that lacked coping and communication skills, I lacked a lot of things in the early years of being a mom, but one thing I certainly lacked was the ability to express my feelings and let everyone know that I was not okay. I was told my “healthy baby”, was “lucky”. Though he’d just spent his whole first week of life in the NICU pumped full of strong antibiotics that would later affect him in his life. So, was he really that “lucky”? And I certainly wasn’t “healthy” physically, mentally, or emotionally. But I was TOLD I was & never asked. Directly after the birth of my son, I felt numb. I felt relieved, I was done with what felt like a horror show of a birth. Was my birth deadly or dangerous at any point? No. But remember, ‘trauma is in the eye of the beholder.’

I felt annoyed when my Physician gave my husband a wink and said ‘I’ll throw in an extra stitch for you’. That was NOT the only time I felt belittled or mocked by this man whom I allowed in my very sacred space.

I felt annoyed that no one would honor my request of turning down my epidural or even offer me a mirror so that I could see what I was doing while trying to push. When the Doctor pulled my son from my body he didn’t reassure me that the popping noise of the vacuum coming off his head was normal. He didn’t warn me that by doing this, he would give me pain & prolapsing in my pelvic floor. I felt scared when he came out blue and no one would tell me why his APGAR scores were low. ‘Why wouldn’t they hand me my baby yet?! And what are they trying to distract me from?!’ I felt confused by why I didn’t/couldn’t cry after the birth of my son. Why didn’t I feel all of those amazing things you see on t.v. or hear about from other’s stories, when I got to finally hold him for the first time? I felt lonely, anxious, and disappointed. I spent a week sleeping in the hospital so that I could waddle my still raw and healing body down to the NICU whenever the Nurses called for me to come feed him at all hours of the night. I felt alone when my husband who was just as befuddled by our recent experience, was expected to return to work just a few days after the birth because we knew what kinds of expenses were coming. He needed the sleep and slept at home after coming to visit, so we were also separated for the first week. I felt an ache whenever I had to leave our son in the NICU & go back to doing life, with empty arms. I felt like my body had failed us and so much guilt washed over me every time I had to see the IV taped to his precious little head. I felt irritated and confused by my son’s Pediatrician when he kindly told me how I was feeding him for “too long” & how “boys will suck on rocks if you let them, you need to take him off the breast after 30 minutes”, but didn’t offer any encouragement or support. That would be just the tip of the iceberg when it came to our breastfeeding struggles. I wasn’t warned or educated about circumcision, so I wasn’t prepared to be traumatized by watching that experience happen either. I was sent home in a state of sadness, excitement, confusion, and totally unprepared for what else was to come.

I persevered though. I had saved enough money to stay at home with my son for 12 weeks. After a month or two of returning to work, my Husband and I decided I would quit my job and stay home to raise our child. Instead of paying a stranger to spend 40 hours a week with our offspring. I am one of the lucky ones. My husband’s support, dedication to his family, and his HARD work has allowed me to not only be a better mother but to heal and grow alongside our son. If it wasn’t for him and his part in me staying home, I don’t believe I would be the Mother I am today. I wouldn’t have had the time, support, energy, or drive to be who I have become. This isn’t to say all Mothers that don’t stay home can’t or don’t have this same experience, this is just my personal journey.

I don’t share my story to get attention or because I think that contributing my “horror story” will be productive & uplifting for new moms. In fact, I usually avoid sharing my story.

I wrote this on my Son’s Birthday, not because I wished to open an old wound, but because it’s actually a very significant day. It’s the day that my whole world changed and what I thought I knew, is no longer valid. The day that we welcomed our Son Earthside, he changed me. Our birth experience created a burning passion inside of me. One that I will likely live out until I am old & grey. Our experience is the reason I took the path of becoming a Doula & mentoring families in various ways through different stages. I also want to share that I take responsibility for our experience, I was very uneducated and lost. I regret not having someone who could have guided us through this experience. Know better, do better, right? But I have my Son to thank for showing me my purpose on this Earth.

Now, I aspire to guide you Mothers and your families in a way that feels empowering and makes it just a little bit easier on you, so you can focus on nurturing yourselves and your loved ones. I want to see and hear your vision of your ideal experience and I want to help you achieve that.  I feel like I walked through hell but I came out of the other side of the flames carrying buckets of water for everyone else.