Okay, I know, no one likes to be should on. So I won’t should on you. But I will share my personal experiences as a Doula in several different birth environments, of what affects a Mother or other spectator, may have on the birthing experience when they’re present.
**DISCLAIMER**
For those of you who want/need/desire your mother(s), parents, friends, relatives, all the people, at your birth. This isn’t for you. Maybe because you love feeling that extra support & YOU WANT them all there, this post won’t apply. I acknowledge that this is what someone women want & that’s awesome! This is for those on the fence or feel pressured.
First off I want to start by saying this: If you have ever thought to yourself or aloud with your partner ‘Should we invite ________ to the birth? I don’t want to hurt their feelings. They “deserve” to be there. They’ve never experienced birth before, so it would be nice of us.’ Or anything along those lines… I want to stop you right there. Notice the words being used in those questions: THEY. THE BIRTH. THEIR FEELINGS.DESERVE.
Instead, shift your mindset into this perspective; OUR birth. Claim ownership of your upcoming experience. You & your partner created this baby together and no one was invited (well, I hope not lol). This is both of you guys’ experience, not meant to be special for anyone else. This is NOT a spectator event. As the famous Ina May Gaskin would say “What got the baby in, will help get the baby out.” Which means your space can be more beneficial to your desired outcome when the setting is intimate, relaxed, full of oxytocin, calm, and exactly how you need it.
NO ONE “deserves” to be at your birth. If they try to convince you otherwise, this is a major red flag. If they haven’t got to see a birth before they’re truly missing out on a beautiful thing. However, YouTube is an incredible resource. Or may be even suggest the Facebook group: Birth Tube. Lots of women are willing to live stream their birth experiences there!
Here’s an example of how I discuss/navigate the subject with my Doula clients:
Me: Who are you planning on being at your birth?
Client: Well my mom and/or so-and-so really wants to be there. And I know it would mean a lot to them. They’ve never got to be at a birth besides their own & I know it would be special for them. And we just aren’t really sure.
Me: Okay, so what purpose would _______ serve at the birth?
Client: Well, they’d just be there to watch I guess. Or: well they would be there to support me. Or: my mom and I are really close so I think she’d be a good support person to have, plus she has given birth naturally before.
Me: Did they already invite themselves?
Client: Yes.
Me: RED FLAG.
Client: No.
Me: How about you try this, say to them: ‘Person, we would love your support at the birth. We won’t know for sure how we feel about it though, until we are in the moment, so we may or may not call you to invite you.
Or if you are invited, we may decide we need time alone & may request you leave the room.’
Then, don’t say anything else & see how they respond….
If their response is genuinely laid-back like ‘Cool, I totally agree & understand that.’ They may be safe to invite.
If their response is anything other than supportive or you feel their defenses go up, or they try to convince you otherwise, RED FLAG.
Why might your mother/mother-in-law/parent/guardian/whomever not be safe to invite? Here’s a list of reasons that I’ve gathered over my years of experience:
- Those closely connected to you (including your partner even) typically have a hard time seeing you in pain. They may feel like you’re suffering needlessly. Their anxious energy/behavior will affect the entire energy of the room & can (and often does) throw off the laboring woman’s focus & belief in herself.
- These people closely connected to you may be a “fixer”. They want to fix your perceived pain. Stepping on toes, stepping over boundaries, trying to convince the laboring mom that something is going wrong or that she must get/do x,y,z to relieve the discomfort.
- Your spectator may never have experienced a birth or has only seen the horror stories. Then lovingly offer poor advice that contradicts what the laboring woman intuitively knows or what the professionals recommend.
- This person may cause conflict in the birthing space when they feel anxious. Or fear monger the parent(s)-to-be, into making decisions they otherwise would not have wanted.
- They may feel entitled to speaking their opinion (often negative) because they are the Mom. Or even taking over for the partner, not purposefully interrupting the bond between mom and her partner.
- Their natural birth experience is THEIRS. Your experience will be YOURS. And 9 times out of ten I have learned that just because they have had a natural birth experience doesn’t automatically mean they will be helpful at yours. They may compare. They may get irritating when trying to be helpful because they feel their perception is the right one.
- They may not be able to take social cues. For example; as a Doula if I see a couple working together beautifully & intimately, I will take that as my cue to step out for a bit & let them do their thing. Give them space to enjoy & connect in those special moments. Or opposite to that; they may see what’s going on (for example a hemorrhage after birth) and start to panic, creating a flood of panic in the room.
- They can be intrusive on that very special & important bond after the birth. A time when baby & parents benefit to skin-to-skin and alone time, wanting to hold & meet the new family member. Especially if the Woman needs stitches or repairs to her perineum or is learning to breastfeed and needs to be exposed to do so. This may feel uncomfortable/embarrassing to her.
Am I making the sweeping generalization that all moms/in-laws/attendees are going to do these things or purposefully ruin your experience? Absolutely not.
I have also seen mothers lovingly brush their daughters hair, whisper words of encouragement into her ears, cheer her on, sit in a chair off to the side & read or knit, sway with her daughter, just sleep on the couch, or be there when the birthing partner needs a break, or even just be around tending to the other children. Mothers are incredible & powerful! That’s why it’s up to you to have the open-ended discussion with the person(s) you’re considering INVITING (I won’t even get started on those who invite themselves lol) and to really dig deep with yourself & your partner to decide what feels right to you both and why.
In my experience thus far, I would say the outcomes have been 50/50. I have been to a couple births where the mother was quite detrimental to the experience, I have been to some that the mother wasn’t necessarily out of hand, but brought anxiety and fear where it wasn’t needed, changing the course of the outcome/experience. And I have been to somewhere the mother was a fabulous addition to the team.
I will say that it’s completely appropriate and a good idea to give those you invite a “job”. Example: Your job is to make sure my partner stays hydrated & fed. You can keep our cups filled, our cool washcloths coming, going to get the nurse, And answer phones or take pictures.
In my personal experience, we didn’t invite or even tell anyone except my mother (who was 800 miles away), to our birth. My mother still called/text for updates a little more than I would have liked. And in hindsight, I wish we would have had someone like a knowledgeable Doula, to help us navigate the experience and to support MY PARTNER in supporting me!
Hindsight is 20/20 though and my experience lead me to become a Doula!
So, we’d love to hear from you! What has been your experience or beliefs about this topic?? Comment and tell us below!