These thoughts came to mind while I was deep in thought about my own personal birth experience. It is nearly three years later (not sure how that happened), and since recently practicing owning my feelings & accepting responsibility of my actions (a.k.a. adulting); I explored the rough waters of the vivid memory of my birth. It was a flood of emotions. Anger, sadness, being terrified, confused, lonely, happy, and unsure. Those were my feelings surrounding my first experience. So what could I do to change the way I remembered my experience?
- I could change my thoughts.
- I could advocate.
- I could become a Doula.
- I could educate.
- I could spread the message.
- I could start believing in women & their ability.
- I could share my secret with you…
Think back to your birth(s). Back to the moments where you were deep in labor. The space where time and all logical thought goes out the window. Your own personal “twilight zone.”
Where were you? Were you present in your birth? You’re probably thinking to yourself; ‘What does she mean?! Of course I was there! I was the one about to give birth!’
But were you REALLY there? Were you participating in the decisions regarding your birth? Did the staff come in and tell you what “needed” to be done to help your labor? Did the OB come in and recommend a treatment, providing you with the risks and the benefits, give you an alternative option and time to talk about it with your partner before coming to a decision? Did you bring in one of those nifty little birth plans & expect that everyone would follow the rules? Were your wishes respected and really supported? Or were you left feeling like birth just happened to you?
Were you present IN the pain or were you running (panicking) from the pain?
Were you thrown off guard by a policy or standard procedure you didn’t know about? Were you still questioning your ability or were you there and ready to rock it?
Did you know what a normal physiological labor looks like or was it much different than you imagined?
I’ll get to where I am going here….
Were you an advocate in your own birth?
*To advocate means; one that defends or maintains a cause or proposal.*
Or were you easily swayed by fear, convincing, or lack of education around it?
The Truth Is:
Birth Trauma is REAL. PTSD, Post partum depression, feeling like your birth went all wrong, a feeling of emptiness when well meaning friends and family say; ‘Well you and the baby are alive and healthy and that’s what matters the most.’ This is a growing problem in our birth world…
Birth IS a key life experience, it is a rite of passage in becoming a mother. It is something you will remember for the rest of your life.
Maybe you haven’t personally felt negatively towards your birth, but I bet someone close to you has.
Need proof? See here.
So what can we do to try and turn this around? How can we educate and support women in being present during their birth?
It starts with YOU! Yes you. I know, as mothers we already basically feel in over our heads, so why would I suggest adding another thing to our mile long ‘to-do list’?!
The answer is simple; because it is YOUR birth. It is your responsibility to recognize or explore your strengths and your fears, your options, your wishes, and your beliefs. It is up to you to take charge of your experience. Your partner/provider might recommend or give an opinion on various things, but ultimately you are in charge of your medical treatment.
I want to quote a favorite book of mine (Birthing From Within)…
You need to ask your Birth Attendant exactly what he/she is selling. Birth Attendants & hospitals sell a “product” day in and day out. It’s your responsibility to learn more about their product (philosophy and services), and decide whether or not you want to wind up with a bag of it.
Some people put medical professionals on a pedestal, and give up taking active responsibility for their own health care. If we do not participate in decision-making, we shouldn’t blame doctors or the medical establishment when things don’t turn out the way we hoped.
Point blank. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And oh how big of a pill to swallow that was.
Yeah it’s true, some of the things that occurred was at the hands of my physician. But I wasn’t comfortable with this person from the beginning. I knew inside of me that my wishes wouldn’t be supported. In the end I was right. I could have switched, but I didn’t. But that was my decision.
It’s true that I wasn’t clear with my nurses when I left my birth plan in the truck because I assumed they had the one I left with my doctor for my file.
I took very typical hospital birthing & breastfeeding classes just like I assumed everyone else did. But I can’t say I felt REALLY educated. I didn’t know what a normal physiological labor looked like. I didn’t look into a lot of pain management techniques. I didn’t support my husband in learning how to provide me with support. Instead I just expected it to work.
I didn’t speak up for myself at any point. I thought I had it figured out with my standard “classes”, my subpar prenatal care, a lack of nutritional knowledge or nourishing foods, a lot of emotions & pent up worries or doubts, and my Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth book for inspiration. Not to mention my high tolerance for pain and stubborn attitude.
With all of the information at my fingertips (some resources I had NO idea about until within the last 2 years ), with all the use of technology & information being spread across the internet, and I didn’t even look up possible complications, I didn’t read about the risks and benefits of “Active management of labor” and what all that entailed. I didn’t know the side effects of Pitocin. I didn’t know what to make of my brown tinged amniotic fluid leaking on my bathroom floor… ‘Was it supposed to be that color?’
I failed myself from the beginning.
I no longer had anyone to hold accountable for this experience, but myself. With a lot of grace, I have since moved forward.
I am at peace with the birth of my son and grateful that it didn’t go any worse. Ok, Ok I might still cringe a little sometimes. For the most part though I realized that I hadn’t prepared us properly. You don’t have to take your standard birth & breastfeeding class that the hospital offers, you don’t have to go with your sister’s cousin’s best friend’s favorite OB. You don’t have to be the victim. You don’t have to stand by and watch pregnancy and birth happen to you. You have a voice, an instinct, the capability and the power to explore all of your options in pregnancy, labor, birth, & postpartum. To not stop until you have explored all options, recommendations, evidence and ideas. You only get one chance to make sure you are prepared physically, mentally, & emotionally for your birth experience.
We can keep feeling victimized or we can stand up and speak for ourselves. Just because your neighbor might think it’s the best idea to have an episiotomy, doesn’t mean you should also believe that. It means if you don’t know what to believe, you should be finding resources on the topic and decide where your beliefs lie with it. No one else can birth your baby for you, so give yourself a chance by being well prepared.
So what’s a woman to do?!
- Interview multiple care providers before settling. Find out what they are “selling.” Does their response seem sincere and align with your beliefs and wishes? -Ask yourself; ‘Would I allow this kind of person in the same room while I was having sex? Let’s be real…… it’s the same intimate setting.
- Take a private or non traditional pregnancy/birth class, or take more than one. Watch videos online, read books, read evidence based articles, understand normal birth and don’t stop until you do.
- Talk about it with the elder women in your family, explore birth.
- Hire a Doula
- Explore different options for pain relief techniques
- Spend time in Nature
- Daily exercise and movement
- Regular chiropractic care
- Reach out in the community and find all of your local resources and options.
- Make Birth Art
- Meditate, say positive daily affirmations, get in tune with your body and your baby.
- Nourish your body and baby with good foods.
- Practice what you learn about pain relief before labor even gets here. Figure out what you like.
- Explore your mental state, do you have some underlying fears or worries?
- Be flexible
- Know your rights
- Sing, dance, and LAUGH. A lot.
- EMPOWER YOURSELF
- Most importantly, speak up when you need to and believe in yourself!
If you Bring forth that which is within you,
what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you.-Gospel of St. Thomas