While recently doing some homework and speaking with a mother about her pregnancy experience, I came across the first topic I decided I wanted to talk about. I like to write about meaningful (to me anyway) topics. Sometimes it can take me a bit to get a new post out. Well, also because I only have nine bazillion other things to do like; search for the poopy diaper that was taken off & left somewhere. Or don my toddler in all of his super hero gear…. for the umpteenth time. Anyway, I wanted to discuss something that really gets me right in the feelers & lights a fire under my bum. It is something that has been written about before, it’s not like I am coming up with some ancient wisdom. However, it is imperative to me that we help spread the word on important topics. In this moment it occurred to me….
In today’s society it seems that most people love to hear the gore. The horror. The emergency. The interventions, the “could-haves” or “should haves”, the worse it sounds, the better. Hell, I’m not even going to pretend like it’s one gender vs. the other. It is men & women both. Now, to avoid getting all negative Nancy on you, let me say that there is good to go along with the bad & the ugly in this situation. See, I’m not just dwelling. 🙂
Let’s start with the good…
It is good that men and women alike are communicating and sharing their labor/birth stories. I think it is positive for this type of communication to take place; Whether it be just recounting the experience for small talk’s sake, sharing pertinent information or because talking about it, acknowledging the experience, breaking it down and accepting your feelings towards it, is healing. I obviously love to talk pregnancy & birth, but I get excited to hear others talk about it in a passionate way too. It means we are still human and still experiencing feelings surrounding such a sacred time in people’s lives. *Go Humans!* I think it can be utilized in a way that encourages or EMPOWERS other Mama’s and their family.
The bad…
There is still the bad though….. I know you’re saying ‘Wait, she just said sharing our birth story was GOOD?!’ It CAN be good. Here’s where I think it gets bad though, when we are sharing misinformation, not facts. Sharing the benefits, but not the risks. For those that are wondering just how other humans can possibly share misinformation in a pregnancy/birth story, let me give you a few examples I collected from others;
“When telling my friend I planned to breastfeed she responded with; Yeah, good luck with that. It was too hard for me and she wasn’t getting the necessary nutrients from my milk. So you might be changing your mind real soon. Formula is just as nutritious anyways.”
“My Nurse told me that my only option for my daughter’s bilirubin levels to balance out was to give her formula. The nurse came in, put the formula on the table and told me that was my only option to be released the next day or my baby could suffer major health risks.”
“My nurse at the hospital pushed me to get pitocin even though I was at 5cm and progressing she threatened me with the “your not moving fast enough and if he’s not out quick enough we will have to get him out”… C -section scaring a 20 year old..”
” When I went in for braxton hicks at about 24-26 weeks the nurse told me that Braxton hicks aren’t real, they don’t really happen to people and she didn’t get why people believed them”
” My doctor prescribed me zofran for my morning sickness, when I asked him about the side effects he told me of course it was perfectly safe why else would he prescribe it for pregnant women? turns out there are a ton of lawsuits linked to zofran causing cleft pallets and heart defects”
The fact is; not everyone has done their research. Not every mom, dad or Aunt Louise has done their homework on pregnancy, labor or childbirth. Educating them with up to date, evidence based practice. I doubt that Aunt Louise knows what “Best Practice” is just because she’s had 5 babies….. back in the 1960’s.
Times have changed, policies have changed, and the view of birth has changed (if only in a small way, it’s progress right?). Not everyone is supportive, encouraging, happy with their personal experiences or well educated on some topics. They might mean well, but could still be spreading misinformation with their biased & uneducated advice. Not all of the information we receive is the whole truth. More often than not, we aren’t being told we have choices and what the benefits AND risks are of our choices. In the moments of labor and birth most people are somewhat sleep deprived, anxious, emotional and may not be fully understanding of all of the medical lingo, interventions or treatments.
While that might not sound like a big deal at the moment, the stories and experiences can be shared like a game of “telephone” or leave someone with the wrong “facts”. Not only that, but there is so much hearsay that goes on surrounding pregnancy & birth, that soon all of these similar sounding horror stories start to become “the norm”. We all know that leaning too far one way with our beliefs/opinions, without having the full facts or true informed consent, will cause biased and opinion-based misinformation to be spread like a wildfire. Still not convinced that sharing birth stories can get ugly? Well let me finish…
The ugly….
The ugly side of sharing birth stories is when it becomes your audio version of something that sounds like Stephen King himself is reading this birth story. Imagine this; you are sitting there on your couch, no bra on, munching away on your favorite ice cream and chatting with your BFF, with no interruptions. Dreamy right? Making small talk, you casually mention that you are wanting to have a med free birth & she nearly chokes on her ice cream. Spewing out something along the lines of “Are you CRAZY?! Don’t you know how bad it hurts?!” You expected that though, so you calmly explain that you are aware of the intense surges of pressure during labor & that you have been practicing your hypnobabies and labor positions. That’s not enough though, you’ve opened Pandora’s box. 15 minutes later you are picking your jaw up off of the ground after hearing about every UNNECESSARY, gory, fear filled detail right up to the “26 stitches it took to sew me back up down there, but my baby & I are happy and healthy.”
Suddenly you are left wondering ‘What if my cervix doesn’t dilate fast enough? What if my birth becomes a medical emergency? What if I can’t handle the pain and I let everyone down? What if I’m not allowed to walk the halls? What if, what if, what if?’ Luckily, you finish your pint and send her out the door before she really harshes your vibes. How about this similar scenario being played out 5 times in one pregnancy? Do you think it might start to wear on her and make her doubt herself? Of course it can! Especially for first time moms who may not know what to expect and are already having the jitters about their labor experience. Causing unnecessary fear, anxiety and doubt.
These emotions can take a great toll on the labor process. We know that fear can cause a labor to “stall” aka “Failure to progress.” The biological proof is in other mammals that will not give birth until they are somewhere they feel safe. Not having the right support to deal with these emotions can turn the whole thing into an unhappy birth experience before you know it. So why the need to share these scary stories and present labor & childbirth as an emergency that needs to be managed? As if women’s bodies were ticking time bombs waiting to fail at any moment? Instead of a beautiful, normal, physiological , empowering experience? Why do others appear to find some sort of gratification by sharing their story in the most elaborate and frightening way? I personally think that it’s innocent for most, for some it’s a way of speaking out about their pain, and maybe for some they just find excitement in sharing their “life or death” experience.
Maybe some seek pity from others. That is something only the person telling the story knows.
So the next time you go to share your birth story, think carefully before you speak! Is it helpful, encouraging, insightful, or empowering? If you can’t answer yes to any of those, maybe you ought to find something else that is.
The truth is, pregnant women don’t want to hear your scary story, they want to be excited about their own. Every pregnancy & every birth is different anyways, with different factors & genes. So there’s no need to “warn” (worry) a expectant mother over something that she has no control over. Lets lift each other up & encourage other women to rock the birth they want. If you really can’t just set aside your experience or your negative feelings towards the subject in order to engage in a positive conversation about someone else’s, then maybe seeking help would be the best option for you. A Traumatic birth can cause PTSD, depression and mental illness in the postpartum period.
The best place to start is by speaking to a professional (not your hormonal friend) who knows how to help you process these emotions. Reach out for help and find resources to help you through your experience. Just don’t dump that negativity on a happy, excited, glowing mama…. It’s not nice!!!
For those expectant mommies that have already experienced this or are expecting (and will likely experience this), stay strong and stand up for yourself. It’s ok to excuse yourself from a similar conversation to avoid the impact of those negative emotions. That is their baggage to carry, not yours. Considering the source is also as important : )
You can’t dwell on the “what-ifs”? What-ifs rob you of your joy, of your experience, of your peace & of living in the present moment. Lets share our good experiences, lift each other up and empower one another to have the best experience that they can, whatever that means to THEM. <3