Sleep in your home doesn’t have to be the “worst” part of parenting. It doesn’t have to be the ONE thing that is talked about or questioned the most in parenthood, next to our traumatic birth stories. Our society is literally, though not maliciously, defining whether we have a “good baby”, based on how, where and when they sleep.
First, babies aren’t inherently evil. Ok, maybe sometimes it feels like it? But if we are being honest, they are actually just trying to thrive! Babies instinctually know what they need to survive & thrive and that’s pretty damn amazing if we think about it! They are the most helpless baby animal born on this planet. They don’t just fall from the womb, jump up and prepare to run off if they need to.
Think about it. I mean literally think about it before you read on; imagine being in some unfamiliar place, with total sensory overload (weird vision, a superhuman sense of smell, feeling all of these new textures & touch, experiencing hot and cold, not understanding all these new weird sounds that are much louder and more clear. Being around several other unknown humans, not really being able to control your movements, and being cut off from your constant food supply, warmth and experiencing discomfort from hunger, clothes, dirty diapers and all of the above? It makes me want to go crawl in my bed & hide under the covers just thinking about it!
Also consider that sleep is where we are most vulnerable (Aldort, 2011), particularly if we do not have the capacity to defend ourselves. Babies do not know that they are in a safe space, free of predators. Teaching babies and young toddlers is done through example (Cozalino, 2010, p.70).
Which brings me to this next little fun fact:
“Empathy with the infant/child and the ability to see things from his perspective are key factors to parents’ success in stimulating and interacting with their children. There is a marked correlation between rejecting or stressed mothers and traumatic births on the one hand, and later psychological problems & even violent criminal activity on the other. A more active, supportive attitude toward unborn children would have a positive impact on society as a whole by preventing or mitigating destructive behavior, and by giving children a start which meets their needs as human beings, not just as higher animals…” (1)
Then the article goes on to say:
“…Each individual parent can help by striving to provide a positive, loving psychological environment for the unborn child and infant. Widespread recognition of the delicate and intimate connections between parent and child prenatally and in infancy will lead naturally to a more realistic idea of the far-reaching responsibility of parenthood, and new respect for the impact of our inner life on those around us.” (Dr. Verny) (2)
Hopefully, I haven’t lost you already if you’re still reading though, you might be wondering, ‘What does this have to do with SLEEP?!’
Simple. The way we respond with or without empathy will have lasting effects on our children for the entirety of their life. What you do now, also affects the future generations.
While it may feel like a daunting task just to keep you and your family alive, happy and healthy; if you can remember what goal you want to achieve in the long run, it can help keep your mindset in a positive place.
Second: If I could scream (well quietly because babies are trying to sleep) this for the whole world to hear, I would say: “The majority of babies do NOT sleep through the night!” And technically speaking, “Sleeping through the night” is only considered 5 hours.
Even “sleep trained” babies & adults don’t! They may wake but not cry out for their needs. They have learned that they will not be responded to. This doesn’t change the fact that their brains are still being flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, which is detrimental to a rapidly growing brain & creating neurological pathways that aren’t particularly healthy.
Third, What do you experience when you hear your baby (or any baby) screaming and crying? I don’t know about anyone else, but it sends my anxiety through the roof. It was the weirdest feeling I’ve experienced, this desperate need to stop the crying. It would (& still does) rattle me to my core. If you’re already a mother you probably know what I am talking about, it is hard to explain this feeling, but I never experienced it before I became a mother. This is a biologically appropriate response and our brains have been forever changed to respond to and comfort our babies. This is instinct. We have this for a reason, so listen to it! Read more about that here.
If you are wanting some more information or studies on infant sleep read here.
I could literally go on for days about the importance of responding to our babies needs whether it be at 1 a.m. or 1 p.m., creating a healthy sleep environment, attachment theory, safe sleeping, etc. But I will spare you the novel!
Ideas on how to handle sleep or lack thereof, in your home….
- Tune out the noise! No one has your baby’s best interest at heart like you do. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone has an educated answer.
- Get professional help! If you aren’t sure how to bed share or co-sleep safely, where they should sleep in the first place, what’s normal and what isn’t, reach out!
- Listen to your intuition, it sounds silly, but a mother’s intuition is basically a superpower, use it to your advantage.
- Understand that even Pediatricians aren’t well educated in the sleep department. While they mean well, they don’t attend ‘Infant Sleep Class 101’ during medical school.
- Change YOUR mindset. Ask yourself ‘Is this really a problem? Why is it a problem?’ If it is, get help. If it’s because your expectations didn’t match up to your reality, you are going to have to shift your mood around it.
- Your baby is an energy barometer, if you’re feeling angry, anxious, or frustrated, chances are they aren’t going to feel safe to fall asleep.
- Create a predictable evening routine (not rigid schedule) and practice more than one way of getting your child to sleep.
- Self-care. If there’s one thing I recommend to ALL of my clients, it is this one. You can’t take care of someone else without putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. Stress is easier to handle when your cup is full.
- Remind yourself that this isn’t going to last forever! This is just a small snippet of you & your child’s life. It gets better!
I don’t want to leave this post without saying: This isn’t meant to shame families or parents that have tried “Cry it out or Sleep Training”. When we know better we can do better and often times parents come to me when they’re at their wit’s end, everything they’ve tried hasn’t helped and letting their baby cry doesn’t feel right to them.
If you’re feeling so upset that your baby won’t stop crying, it’s okay to put them down somewhere safe until you can collect yourself. Make sure their space is free from any hazard and don’t go so far away that you can’t hear whether they’re struggling. Reach out before you get to this point! Invest in some help and get more tools in your parenting belt to make this time with your baby more enjoyable for everyone. Sometimes babies need to cry to release emotions after you’ve fed, changed, and tried consoling them… Crying in the arms of their mother or a loving caregiver is different than crying alone!
Help me get more sleep!
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‘Feelings buried alive never die’. Karol K. Truman. Copyright 1991. Page 28.
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‘Feelings buried alive never die’. Karol K. Truman. Copyright 1991. Page 29.